First of all Happy Birthday to Mike from Sunday mate ;)Â Oh and Kate
So another weekend has been and gone in the life of young Wiggy :lol:Â Was an amusing one too!
So anyway Thursday night went over to the gym and had a session on the shoulders, and it bloody hurt! First proper session since before John went to Malia, and I payed for it! Really need to keep going when him and Caz are away in a few weeks 
After that it was home to chill out and watch some CSI on Five US 
WOW!! Just found this trailer on football365’s forum and I think it looks facking awesome! Defo gonna get this game, even tho I didnt enjoy COD 3 as much as COD 4, with me being a modern warfare type of guy
Since I reported on my life, and it appears one or two people are very eager to read about it One more than any other *snigger*Â Maybe he’s wanting my take on saturday night, who knows! Appears he already knows most of it but hey-ho!!
Anyway on with the update… Got my usual Friday dinner time text from Phil asing if I was going to football, and that him and Helen were skint, thus not going to the pub, only to text back an hour later, and say Fee was making them go to the pub, and did I fancy joining. Typically for a Friday afternoon this summer, it was bloody raining, thus making football that little bit more ermm interesting :lol: For once me and Phil were on different sides, but it didnt stop some of the old magic coming to the fore! Scored one or two funky goals, with the odd fancy-dan flick thrown in :lol: Meatball was on form again, and me and him just ended up sliding all over the pitch. So much so that even with tracky bottoms on, I still ended up with Astro-Turf burns on my knees 
To my Grandma for yesterday and Kay who’s 21 today. Hope you both have/had great days, and thanks for the cake last night Grandma
Now I aint read VIZ for many many years, but browsing a forum, I came across this page that had some of the funniest things I’d read for a long time! Sat at work Friday afternoon just giggling away to myself
Climb onto your neighbour’s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He’ll think his house is underwater.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your ‘fog lights’ switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into thinking you have won the Lottery.
Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don’t, because you can’t and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.
Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,
Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else’s house.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator. Sister S., Berwick
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower. - B. Johnson, Canada
Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.
Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.
Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.
Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.
Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.
Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.
Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of `rodeo sex`. Take your missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by the wrong name. See how long you can `stay mounted` for.
Drivers. Pressing the headlight switch for a second time dips the buggers.
HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator door. This will allow you to check that the light goes off when the door is closed.
BOMB disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and walking around wearing a miner’s hat.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.
DON’T INVITE DRUG ADDICTS round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping lists.
A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
LOSE weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
WHEN throwing someone a sharp instrument such as a Stanley knife, or bread knife, always throw it blade first as they invariably tend to turn whilst in the air.
AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.
TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you’re going.
PENSIONERS. Try sitting on a pile of encyclopedias next time you go for a drive in your car. That way you will be able to see out of the front window.
OLD contact lenses make ideal ‘portholes’ for small model boats.
INCREASE the life of your carpets by rolling them up and keeping them in the garage.
TAKE your dustbin to the supermarket with you so that you can see which items you have recently run out of.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting them.
SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.
APPLY red nail varnish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting varnish should be selected).
PUTTING just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place, you fat bastards.
Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.
Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat friend’s arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Make your girlfriend cry when you’re having sex by phoning her up and telling her.
Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Bus drivers. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
International master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
KING-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants.
FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty ‘Toblerone’ chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
So I was looking on the football365 forum earlier today, and Geoffrey brought something over, and said “When you’re quite done looking at porn Mr White” To which I replied they were just some Chavvy girls, and were fully clothed, thus not constituting porn in anyway shape or form, he asked where the origins of the word came from. After a little digging I found one or two answers on Wikipidia, but not till Lee had given a full description. Geoffreys reply to this description was awesome…
The convo went a little something like this…
Lee: Chavs tend to be the young lads, with Hoodies on, tracky bottoms tucked into their socks, fake jewellery that has been bought from Argos, getting our of a Subaru with their caps on crooked or back to front.
Geoffrey: Like Craig you mean??
Cue me and Lee laughing quite hard
Anyway seems there are one or two different ideas as to where it originated.
Well the sum of all my work yesterday seemed focused on 2 main things.
Anyway not been upto a great deal outside work. Last 2 nights I’ve been in bed watching a DVD at 9pm, and last night I was asleep at half 9 :oops: altho the more sleep I tend to get at the minute, the worse I feel the following day How random.
Anyway work yesterday was quite comedy to be fair. Had a delivery of a few pallets worth of Velcro. There were a few Suit rails on the lorry, and after being knocked a few times you can imagine what happened! Luckily I managed to catch it as it was falling, and even more luckily for Lee, he ended up with a load of suits on his head. Poor old Roger on the other hand, ended up with the framework twatting him on the swede Another nore in the accident book for him, after slicing his arm open only last week! (Picture of something like what hit him below)
After that Mark came up, and mentioned that a CD I’d done for him using all his music he’d aquired through Itunes, worked in most of his fleet of vehicles, but not in his new Landrover :? So i copied the files, and then re-burnt the CD, and it worked in my car. Anyway after a few moments, we realised that the songs were saved as wma files, so I then acquired a version of Itunes, and proceeded to turn them into MP3’s to then in turn copy straight from Itunes into my CD burning software! Slowed my computer right down I can tell you :lol: Other than that It has been pretty quiet. Me and Lee have been ripping the piss all week, and I sent Maddsy a nice picture of my David Boots Sausage Roll, to which I got a reply saying “You wanker”
My mum rang me last night, to ask if any women had contacted me via the group on facebook Bagi had started, nothing ever gets past her! Our Lewi would have been straight on the phone to her or something.
I am in a current state of depression, having lost the last 2 games of scrable to Kirsty Taylor of all people!! (only joking 
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Wiggy | 
07 22nd, 2008| 
